your “poor me”-attitude is hijacking your audition… and your career!
There we are… finally!
2hours later, waiting in the cold for ages, quickly dumping a take-away snack into your tummy because you didn’t want to be last in the queue, can’t be late or this’ll take the whole day
You can feel the other dancer’s nerves tightening your throat.
Their cold disconnected eyes. Shallow breaths and falsely boasted up postures.
Everyone’s a little anxious right here.
A gazillion thoughts course through the mind:
make-up issues, how long till the call?, guess I put on weight, argh rent is coming up next week, oh she looks so much fitter than me, shit his leg lines are so perfect, gotta focus, stretch the neck, did I bring water?, I wonder what babe’s doing right now, (phone blinks up “good luck duckling!”) ah mum’s so sweet, she remembered! argh what the f%&$ am I doing here, they’re all so much taller than me, I’ll never get it.
And just like a church bell echoing into an empty village, there comes the number, the call!
The heart races and the legs weaken a little.
Adrenaline kicking in, NOW’s the time!
I wish they would just pick me!
I haven’t had a yes in months!
I wish I could just “make it” this time round!
Yeah… me to!
Never did I think that my feelings and my mindset had anything to do with how I was sabotaging my success and how I was putting my artistic self so free-willingly into the guillotine frame: so cruel but true!
Please, chop it off!
You see, desperation is what lead me astray from all my dreams.
Little did I know I kept running for the wrong goal.
I turned into a victim of fate, whatever the judgement of the audition judge or teacher or dance mate, was the truth, like religion.
Rejection after rejection my brain started to figure I just wasn’t “IT” and I gave up altogether.
When I began dancing as a young girl, I would dance for the joy of dancing, because I loved making new friends.
I would feel loved. I would feel excited to learn new steps and put up a performance, wear costumes.
I didn’t really question my technique, or my body, or whether I would be at the front or the back of the stage, not even did I worry I would not be taken at all. It also didn’t really matter if I was just in our living room.
This expression was free. I just wanted to feel the warmth of the spotlights on my skin and dance my soul out.
Somewhere in-between however, all these “professional dance life details” became important and robbed me from my creative self:
Well the vibration changed.
There is a very strong link between outer and inner motifs.
What fuelled me initially came from within: joy, celebration, curiosity, wilderness, freedom.
What fuelled me after was external: technical ability, being better than, paying my bills, being accepted, wanting approval, prove my worth, needing to convince, doing it for the money, wanting to please, etc
This seems somewhat unrelated, but just hold on for a bit before you ditch this, as I promise it will get juicy!
I was speaking to a few dating experts this week and they were saying how a lot of women and men stop dating because they get rejected over and over.
They “have tried it all”, and yet they still keep getting “no”, “not my type”, “we can be friends though”, or just empty fields with a croaky-voiced cricket.
As I asked them what exactly it is they change in people, so that they can “get laid” or “get into a meaningful relationship”; their answer was simple:
-We get the client back in-tune with their intuition!
Oh, how so?
-We train them to create clear boundaries between what they desire and accept only this, and in a parallel unwaveringly dump what does not fit their call.
Then, we dress up a list of potential dating partners and let their intuition fire up on WHICH ONES to date.
Most of the time their soul already knows “who is a great potential”, but the human small mindedness tells them all sorts of excuses: they can’t have them, they’re too this or too that; which leads them to not dating at all, or date the ones they “think they can have”, as opposed to the ones they truly desire.
So we re-calibrate their true desires with true boss-babe-style inspired action (ask for what they want, create time for pleasure and feeling good, speak their truth in everyday life, etc)!
They naturally build confidence and, of course…. there comes the calendar with booked date nights and the next relationship shortly after.
There and then it CLICKED!! YES! This made sense.
I’ve seen this in many other areas too, and the link with audition rejections and dancers like a wrong-gone dating profile is so obvious!
We dancers do exactly the same thing.
We self-sabotage our love relationship with our art, because we feel we can’t have what we truly desire.
How many times, did I go to an audition, because I was desperate for money, or desperate to be “taken”?
How many show opportunities did I dump because “I needed to be a good girl and show up at work instead”?
How many times did I not show up to auditions in weeks because I was still “bleeding from last time’s rejection” and “busy beating myself up”?
How many dance jobs did I turn down because I was afraid “I’m not good enough, qualified enough, blah blah blah enough”?
Even though these genuinely felt exciting, felt bolt, felt true to my soul’s desires.
I have turned around my true dream “hotpot” for ages, found all sorts of excuses and actually never ended up “making it”.
Always playing small in my field, not daring or training in ways that empowered me.
Interestingly enough, I was having a parallel relationship in real life that was fuelling all these victim thoughts too.
I was subconsciously giving my power away in my intimacy with my partner at the time: hoping he would make me happy, hoping he’d just love me, witholding my real thoughts and my real fears for the fear of being rejected.
This is actually a topic for a different blog entry, but can you feel the links here?
“Making it” is such a human thing that keeps us locked into our small world.
Truly we are made for so much bolder and bigger dreams.
The universe already knows we can have our desires, but sometimes they just don’t come around the ways we hope they will.
And then, we shut down slowly. We resign. We don’t get the results and so let go of the big call altogether.
We consent to fate’s will and hope that someone will come to save us from our lacks.
And then we show up at an audition with this small minded, victim mode, desperate-icky face… please, will you?
Truth is: it doesn’t have to be this way for the rest of your life.
Are you willing to drop this?
I’d like you to go away with something to chew on, as that’s just my passion for mentoring speaking through here!
Ok, grab a journal and let’s get super clear, then:
What is it that you truly desire when you perform?
If there was no rejection possible, ever, what would you do?
If you didn’t need any money, or financial support, how would you express yourself?
If you were your own best mum/dad, what advice would you give yourself right now?
do you want to go to auditions? what would your inner parent say to you during auditions?
What do you want to create?
What change do you want to fuel in your life, in the industry, in the world?
I found the best advice ever given to me, was to see myself as a big drop in the ocean and to see that my drop was in direct repercussion with all the other drops here in this life.
To give my services & acts over to the higher aspect in me and allow her to stir the directions.
That’s when the rejection at an audition was simply a way for me to understand and give more love for myself.
How the reason I am here is in direct interlink with ALL the happenings in the industry as well as the world.
That’s also when my joy for dance catapulted right back into my life and I found that mentoring and empowering others is what mostly moves my heart. I know that every single person on this planet has a soul calling, and it comes in multiple ways of expression. The reason you were canoed into the dancer flow also has a meaning!
I began to notice that auditions were not my pathway alone, and that the outcome truly didn’t define my worth at all.
They are simply a means to an end, but there are TONS and tons of pathways possible.
I stopped giving my power away to the external and started to move from the internal.
I also cast out situations and people that didn’t feel in alignment.
I started to invest in myself and allow myself to receive pleasure and love on all levels (physical, emotional, sexual, energetic, etc.).
Now I’m travelling the world and I dance in beautiful locations when I feel called to.
I will perform when it feels good to do so. I started singing, painting and writing along the way.
I will collaborate when my soul feels it desires to stretch itself in this manner.
After all, why not?
I allow myself to do all that feels f%&$ing amazing because I deserve to be treated like a queen, especially by myself.
Yes auditions, are still on the radar, and if I go in, it is a full-heart beautiful experience, I tune into the people there, their work, their human nature, into the joy of receiving, sharing and giving.
When my inner child feels loved and supported by the best parent or mentor in my heart, she doesn’t need to be scared anymore.
I can provide for her, no matter what!
My joy is a gift. It is not for sale.