(how to go from dried-up love skeleton to hot fire bomb)
I have had some very interesting conversations with women around intimacy and love lately.
Even though most of the times it is a fun and elevating topic, I noticed that for most, the idea of an enlightened soulmate is actually just another strategy to keep them from receiving love all the way.
Furthermore, I feel it is a very clear “NO, I don’t want my power, please take it and let someone who knows better love me and rescue me!”
Yeah, there’s endless soulmate stories, twin flames, all kinds of DNA energetics and what not. Whether it is the special “someone” or the “one and only true flame”. We’ve heard all that.
There’s that superneo concept of an elightened male that is on our level, who worships woman like goddess and understands, relates and validates all the hurt we’ve carried inside.
How much power do we give away and how many times to we check out of living with a bold heart, of being ourselves and be in the moment?
I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years.
Yes, I too was giving into this concept of “the one and only”.
At the bottom of it I was projecting more than loving. My focus was totally disorientated from my heart.
All I cared about was how much I could receive love and validation from this person.
And THAT is what the toxicity was all about!
At the bottom of it all I wasn’t asking for what I needed.
And all the times I did, I wasn’t receiving fully: not that he was a bad person ( I don’t think there’s any such thing).
We were just not on the same page when it came to our goals for the relationship, yet we both desired to be loved and validated in our own ways. And it truly didn’t help that I desired the “enlightened male” which turns out more like that green grass on the other side.
We were not truly filling each other’s cups.
So I relinquished in there for 5 years, tied to this concept I need to “stay and wait and fix myself” or “fix him” until we fit, because I had received some kinda external guidance that he was my soulmate.
How painful! Rather than just allowing myself to be in the moment and take a heartfelt decision that I wasn’t actually feeling it all the way. And to validate myself and my feelings, that it’s ok!
And so, every time I hear this pattern oozing out of someone’s talk about their partners, relationship issues or desiring this “external construct of a soulmate” I just want to give them a gentle nudge and say:
babe! wake up, gorgeous!!
The universe wants so much more for you!
There is always an invitation to dare bigger and bolder.
To take space in our own world.
It’s so easy to let these ideas hi-jack our power, our sovereignty and our true desires!
And these concepts also get in the way to seeing the real men we are engaging with.
They too have their trauma, their hurts, their insecurities, the stuff that we all move through as we go through life.
And placing this enlightened BS expectation on them, just isn’t fair.
The moments I was able to hold myself in my own fears and my own darkness, were the most revealing!
Yes, I seeked help, I had to. I don’t believe huge shifts happen “just like that”, especially when we are moving through our weakness and blind spots.
We go through that phase where allowing another to hold space for us in a powerful way, is the most healing ever.
Yet, once the work is completed that’s it! There’s no going back.
Once you understand internally and energetically what it takes to move through the layers of growth and expansion you build so much intimacy with yourself.
There is that layer of compassion that kicks in and that deep deep love for yourself.
I believe that is the best place to be in truly, and in that space, it doesn’t really matter whether the partner you are with or desire is enlightened or not: you can see through their heart, you can communicate on their soullevel.
How flipping powerful is that, right?
You no longer “NEED” the other. They just become a true blessing all the way.
Showering you with their presence, their love and their willingness to meet you right there and then.
And you can see through your own layers of love, too.
You understand what it is that you really love about a man, how they honour you, how they respect you.
How you ask for the sexy connection you deeply desire, how you create this magic called intimacy.
INTO ME YOU SEE.
Hey, this is where I am. And hey, it’s soooo grogeous to meet you where you are.
And it’s so wonderful to be here sharing this moment with you.
to be able to hold your partner in his hurt and his fears, too.
To see through the unspoken and raise the confirmation.
I learnt a very powerful tool during a sexual healing retreat in Arizona during my travels and I have started to apply it to my life.
It’s called the “bubble”. You create a safe space and share about fears, desires and boundaries.
Both partners take turns.
I will ask people this question all the time, and what arises is really beautiful, you get to meet people in their vulnerability first, then their empowerment and then you see the ways they desire to feel respected in.
It’s amazing what true intimacy can bring, and I would never ever trade it again with some “enlightened blah blah blah”.
It’s so flakey.
And when the partner doesn’t respond with an open heart, I don’t shy away from lovingly sending them on their journey.
No hard feelings, just pure presence.
Clarity on your boundaries is GOLD!
I wish you much joy in your intimate explorations.
Every single lover that comes your way is a gift of the universe.
See all the way down, connect deeply.
Your soul soars so much this way!
Mucho aloha sensual from Manoa, Hawaii
(in my Tropical Weather Halloween Costume) 🙂