empaths won’t like this but should read it anyway – stop calling narcissists out
I recently had a chat with a dear one about narcissism and the pain he was going through with the realisation that he may be a narcissist. Someone must have pointed it out to him, possibly with a hostile demeanor. So now he’s fighting this inner demon that was laying dormant for all his life, and is starting to understand the impact it had on his life all this time, especially in relationships.
And right there it doomed to me that I had never witnessed this perspective from that up close.
Have you ever wondered about how a narcissist may perceive being pointed fingers at?
Well, never had I!
And I started to understand how incredibly unfair and downgrading this would be for anyone to have to carry.
When you google narcissistic behaviour most of the copy that shows up clearly puts narcissists in the enemy field and the empaths are on the good side.
Never did it occur to me this could be viewed differently:
me too, I had been convinced by the crowd for most of my aware time.
I had shamed and blamed my ex for years on end, with ruthlessness: he’s selfish, he doesn’t really care, understand, he’s emotionally unavailable, distant, disconnected, a bully, a tyran…
That’s the beast that lies dormant in an empath: when we don’t get our love the way we want it, we turn into very smart distortors of reality: we go deep AF into the manipulation game, most of the time we play this game to convince ourselves of being the good person after all, we have been victimised and it gives us some kind of power to abuse the perpetrator in return.
Holy Guacamole…. I can’t believe I just wrote this!
At the expense of being bashed by all the empaths in the world: I actually don’t care, you see.
It doesn’t make any abusive behaviour you experienced by narcissists right.
I’m not taking sides!
What I’m exposing here is a bit of the terrible truth most of us deny ourselves from (including me for a very long time).
Also, I’m not going into the physically abusive patterns, because that’s a whole other ball game (even if I believe that what I’m about to share could be the bottom line to that extreme outcome)
What if Ns were here to help you create stronger boundaries, that you never knew about until they stepped over them?
What if Ns are to fuel the greater power in you, by inviting you to speak your truth, no matter what! To showcase your true needs and intentions, even if you feel deep down you don’t deserve them?
What if Ns are serving you tough love by displaying all the ways you are forfeiting your own capacity, potential and ability (especially the one to walk away or remove yourself from destructive situations)?
What if Ns are themselves desperately seeking love and approval, but got lost looking in the empty corners?
What if Ns were once victims before, perpetrated, abused, disappointed, abandoned, neglected over and over again;
so much so, that the only option out of this excruciating pain was to develop a very intelligent defense system that is uncrackable for any emotion to sicker through?
You see, from my experience Ns lived in highly triggering environments: it’s something they had to cope with so often, that it became a norm to manipulate and go over all the red flags to receive some form of love. Now, even if they numbed out emotion altogether, it actually catches back up with them, because no human being can live without love.
Did we all just get lost in the blame jungle?
It’s so easy to blame
So easy to judge
So easy to find the culprit who can take up for all our shit we never wanted to see, because deep down, us empaths are desperately seeking to be saved, rescued and hidden away from the awful reality:
we are just as messed up as the narcissists when it comes to fighting for the golden grahl of love!
Yes we are.
We allow ourselves to be flakey and wishiwashey so we don’t have to take responsibility and action for our dreams.
We waver with our opinion everytime we feel a slight hinge of disapproval (even if it isn’t real, but the reality of our mind takes over).
We have desires but are to clenched up to ask for what we really want (maybe we’re afraid to be called out? Most of the time though, I feel we just believe that we don’t really deserve to receive all the way, especially not on a big scale)
We secretly hope that someone else will come, read our minds and save our world, because we feel so powerless at the big wide & cruel land out there! Rescue me, I’m a Princess syndrome…
We tie the narcissists down by pleasing and smothering them with love and lushness, we trick them into our mummy laps, to make sure they will never leave us.
We take care of them and give them all we can (and CAN‘T give) and then… when we don’t get the attention and love we so desperately need (because we poured it all away to everything and everyone) we smack them back with blame and shame and emotional withdrawal.
Often we just didn’t read the signs properly: they never promised us flowers in the first place, but we expected diamonds!
We do everything to mask our true feelings, our pain and sorrow. We much prefer to get busy healing and fixing others. And we spend so much time and money on quick fixes that entertain us rather than solve the problems at the root (psychics, watching youtube self help videos that comfort our empathic views, restaurant dinners with friends to „feed away“ our drama, courses and workshops for successful relationships, chocolate and wine – tons of it)
Only, speaking for myself, I don’t think I really „loved“ the guy I was with (I had experienced what devoted love was, because I had been in an amazing relationship before him, so I knew the blue print of balance in giving and receiving). Yet, I was to cowardice to admit it: I rather held on than to be a „bad person leaving him“, rather gripped every inch of him than to admit I was unhappy and that we may not be a healthy match, much rather hijacked all his attention away from his dreams and desires of success, than take empowered action to fuel my own dreams (that actually scared TF out of me).
The list goes on.
Ladies and Gentlemen:
Welcome to the ring of codependency!
Here are the rules:
let’s tie each other over and over in the name of love, and as soon as we don’t receive what we want, we pull the ropes tighter and tighter until we bleed our inner children’s hearts out.
And if we ever decide to finally remove ourselves of this toxic circle, half of us hit the elastic of the ring and go boxing for another thousand of rounds, because the fear of being out there, off the limelights that numb the pain with righteousness, could be too uncontrollable.
So let’s keep fighting and bleeding each other out.
(please take my sarcasm lightly)
Now, isn’t it wild that we both were seeking love and acceptance in the first place?
And we both actually need help doing so.
There are no victims.
There are no perpetrators.
There’s no rescuer even.
We just learned how to ask for love in all the dishonest ways: from our parents, our friends, our surroundings, even from movies!
I wrote this to light up the pathway out of this crazy vicious labyrinth:
We all deserve love.
Especially if we need to lick our wounds from our past that keeps putting our own hands into this wild wrestling.
Remove the hands.
Breathe and feel:
your pain can be your catharsis.
Get help if you need, allow yourself to be humbled by the love that has been coated under all your shields of defence metal.
It is not your role to take anybody’s pain!
We are all beings with a choice at the end of the day, we decide on our own growth and expansion in our own time.
Be gentle with yourself.
Be much more gentle with those who hurt you.
Be so gentle to walk away from what is causing you harm.
You may return later, but take time out now.
Go integrate your pain all the way first!
We’re divine beings, full of sovereignty!
Beneath the veils of these patterns there are human beings aching for connection and for acceptance.
And we’re so incredibly deserving of it all!