If you’re already triggered and thinking you stupid fucking bit$h!
Please… leave now!
This is not for you…
If you like it or not this stuff happens ALL THE TIME!
So, if you’re in for understanding something deeper around this pattern, you may hang out with me here and let me know your thoughts.
And if you’re married, you definitely want to be hanging around, too.
If you have a mistress or a secret lover… let’s see how far you can read without throwing your laptop out of the window or writing me an abusive email 😉
I won’t chew my words….
Alright, let me tell you briefly how this last story started, just so you get a glimpse of the situation.
Probably very similar to many stories out there.
So I was in Bali. I’m tripping around the globe right now.
It must have been on my second week there, after a very high-vibe Goddess day where I desired to spend some deep thoughtful time with myself, rebalance my energies and do all the witchy-spiritual stuff you do as an entrepreneur stepping in for a bigger mission on the planet (such as women empowerment in my case).
Now, I never thought, I’d be writing this post EVER! But I have to, because not only do I feel responsible for how this story could be affecting my expression (especially the one I love the most, the raw, authentic roar and gnarling one with teeth out and dribbling saliva of a black panther).
First and foremost, I want to you to see, that as much as I may be an inspiration for women, I too seek and look out to learn deeply from my life’s lessons.
So I was journaling on this situation I’m having with this lover (whom I’m just going to call Adam for anonymous purposes).
And I thought of doing the Byron Katie “Judge your neighbour worksheet” on this.
(If you don’t know it, you can download it here! Fucking amazing!)
And midway through, I started to look at my writings and figuring out whether I could turn this around. Or was I just seeking a way to “make it pretty”?
And then…. this blog post started to pound. Sentences, words, whole paragraphs.
And as I do…. When the creative call is on, I follow it.
I will leave a few photos of the writings I did, just in case you are curious to know more.
So here I am telling you the story as it has unfolded so far.
On that Goddess Day in Bali, I went to hang out at Alchemy, a really lovely vegan place.
My intention was to stay present, but also to remain in a sacred space mode: I’d only engage with things that seemed necessary and worthwile to me.
So there I am, salad and drink ordered, I pulled my tarot cards out and started to do a reading for myself, earphones in and off I was recording eagerly as if I was reading to an imaginary Lisy opposite me.
As I finished up, my food had already arrived and I started munching, when I noticed someone looking at me and ask “Hey, do you do many readings?”.
I nodded, mindful and poised. And I added: “yes, but I don’t really advertise it though. I see this as a sacred divination form, but a lot of people interact with it, giving their power away. So I’m always careful, because I don’t do the you’ll-find-your-soulmate or you’ll-die-in-3-days-BS to keep you hooked to pay me more.
When spirit speaks it comes with a voice of love but also the one that stirs you to dare more, bolder and such. If you’re open to that, I may consider giving you one.”
“I would love that”.
“Sweet, let me finish my meal and we’ll talk later!”
Random as random can be.
I admit, not everyone would respond this way, but I give people what I think genuinely, most of the time. Nothing to lose. This is me. He looked hooked.
Thereafter followed a really compelling exchange on travel, spirituality, love and soul connection. I have to say, I really enjoyed it. And I relaxed, too. He’s actually very charming.
Only a short while later, I found myself sipping on my juice at the same table with him and his friend.
We didn’t do the reading since the conversation flow was so beautiful, so I agreed to yield my number so we could get to business later in the weekend. I also said, hey, there’s a swimming pool where I’m staying, you’re welcome to come hang out with your friend.
They seemed friendly and really interesting. Why not.
A few text messages that evening and we were on it. He was leaving in a few days and as it is, you either meet with travellers while the iron is hot, or you’ll probably never see each other again.
That would’ve been a shame, since he’s so interesting and we truly seemed to be on the same page with so many things! Let’s go for a drink!
A few hours on, a really deep conversation on the cosmos, the universe had formed this beautiful cocoon of connection and attraction. Looooong looooong eye gazing moments. I sense some serious chemistry building. Such deep understanding, A bond emerging. Enticing!
After his elegant invitation to a kiss that melted my heart on the spot we were dancing this gorgeous dance of love and passion igniting.
I am a free woman. Even though I have two beautiful lovers whom I adore deeply, we are in the agreement of open flow, as long as we feel good about our interactions… plus I’m travelling for an undetermined time right now, so this is just the most authentic for now.
Also, opening up to another man does, in my mind, in no way take any of my love away from them, just clearing this out of the way (this would be another post as a whole, I guess).
And in fact, this allows me to write this article from a discerning perspective, too, since we have this stunner connection that helps me to see through layers that I would never be able to see on my own!
Thank you my loves ❤
What developed from that kiss, was a magical free flow: from conversation, to connection, to love, to hot and firey love-making. Tantric and stunning.
Like in a movie, truly. If there was an esthetical way to love and connection we definitely hit all the checkpoints!
Orgasmic states for hours, short naps that seemed to kick our hearts alive for another round of laughter, lovemaking and joy.
It was truly perfect in every way, starting with the connection and bonding first and foremost: the physical expression was just a natural extension of this.
We spent a whole day together and it was mindblowing, my body still carries the impressions of those moments, so much so, that I feel that this meeting was just not a coincidence.
For the spiritual babes out there: we definitely met in many past lives. There is a much deeper force at action when these things happen, and so I completely honour and respect the sacredness of this union!
It has taken shape in its own way and that in itself is beautiful, of course.
I guess, this is also the intangible part to love and meeting people.
Some forces pull us in without our own making: trust me when I say that this man carries a very desired signature of a man for me to settle and have kids with. No offense to my existing lovers, they already know anyways.
YET, there’s a catch! (obvi….)
Never in my healthiest mind would I have thought that a man would open up to me in such ways with this explosive secret that changes EVERYTHING to the interaction we experienced.
Not once, did it cross my mind!
When he was gone off on another island, we had the phone call that shattered my heart into a million pieces. Not only did it shatter my being because this connection was so powerful and strong and I “wasn’t allowed” to have it.
This withheld news shattered my heart because of the role I play in the world of stepping in for women, helping them to own up to their wild Goddess power, to claim their boundaries, to be fierce and bold and to dare to live the life they deserve in love, connection, abundance and joy.
There I was “having an affair with a married man” and hurting another woman without my consent!
Yes, you may call me out here! I did not ask AND I didn’t even think about this!
As I now understand, he very well stirred the question about family and having children in the direction of keeping this a secret. A truthful man would have immediately raised this and happily discuss the lessons and challenges of marriage.
But you see the “happily” is the problem here.
And the truth of un-happiness creates this whole space of possibility and the grass being greener on the other side. And also the fear of displaying the raw hurtful reality: this isn’t necessarily the topic he wants to talk about, since he’s not happy.
And this being said, even with the most overt and direct question in the world, people WILL keep what they don’t like to display a secret.
With the news, also came the admitting that he had experienced having a mistress before. It wasn’t his first time? aha… a pattern. Nice!
And here I am, in my wild Goddess robes calling him out on this.
I remained loving and understanding. I have experienced being in the affair roles before.
I have actually been on both sides, so I know what it’s like.
Deep down, the fear is always that we will lose love (and all the forms that love comes in: respect, admiration, acceptance, kindness, understanding, approval, validation, honour, status, power, etc etc.)
Yes, it fucking hurts!!!!
As a facilitator and sexual priestess I can catapult myself beyond my own pain, I can sift through the layers, put my own emotional experience on hold and navigate us out through the situation.
But it will always catch back on me, and I will always need to process this on my own, especially when I am affected directly, such as in this case.
In the following conversations came his understanding and decision that in order to receive and feel worthy of real love, he will have to raise this situation with his wife. Maybe not immediately, but as some point it will need to be raised.
You see the hurt never hurts the other ultimately (even if it does, of course).
The biggest damage we do when living a lie, is always to self.
One may not see it immediately, but the real hurt of infidelity always hurts us the most, for the story and the meaning we attribute to ourselves while we live this lie.
And this exact fear of losing love can keep our donkey-mind (chasing behind the carrot) entertained for as long as we check out of the situation.
So I agreed, that we could meet again, with the intention of elevation.
With the intention of experiencing a deeper meaning to love and sensuality that he may take into his marriage and feed into his life, but especially into his marriage.
I absolutely honour the role of his wife being the woman who came first and the woman he will choose first, regardless of any experience he would have with any other woman.
If you are dating a married man, you NEED to be okay with this.
You will always be second choice to his wife.
It’s not about his wife, it’s about the persona he grew into alongside his wife, as well as all the people entangled in their lives (family, friends, habits, possibly children, community rituals such as celebrations and birthdays).
You see there is this web he created that will be very hard to let go of, because letting go of a partner means to let go of a whole life inside you (this is why we grieve when someone breaks up with us or dies).
Here’s where it all gets a little tricky, and I can totally relate that my perspective on this may be a little revolutionary.
I’m a rebel. Sorry, not sorry!
Those people whom he is attached to, may not have an open-minded perspective at all, they will not have the emotional vocabulary to even understand the depths of these layers.
Not everyone can’t just walk up to their parents and say, hey I cheated on my husband, without ruffling some serious feathers.
This is exactly where this married man you’re dating starts to split off into a double persona, if not triple or multiple persona. And he will have figured out how to do this very well!
(especially because this need for approval and love stems from a much deeper part in his life, and he has endulged into the ways of “pleasing to gain something” for his whole life possibly”.
Pointing fingers out of the way: we ALL know how to do this.
White liese, beautiful lies, who may not be so white for the love we are so able to receive, if we actually dare to.
So he will create this perfect world with you and possibly love you deeply and passionately, but he is simultaneously entangled in this other network with commitments and other love languages that he can’t sever from.
Entering a relationship with a married man with the expectation or conviction that you “are better than” or “worthy enough to leave his wife for” is a beautiful illusion that will keep both of your donkey-minds entertained for as long as…. You… check… out… of…. It…
There’s this stunning hologram that you both create together,
that will remain alive for as long as you feed it.
Only yesterday I had a call with a client who is more in love with the “potential” of her man than her “actual man”.
This is keeping us caged up in the highest form of lack of integrity.
It may be pretty looking, and it may keep up all your hopes and it may even make us believe that this is love and that it’s worth it, after all.
Well, It’s not, really.
You are loving the projection of this life more than the actual life.
This causes a series of havok in our vibrational body: we keep telling the universe that it is ok not to receive the real deal. We are ok with remaining passive and numb (such muddfuckin bitches for our system!! Gah!). We attach all sorts of meanings around the terrible truth to make it “pretty” and “okay” when it’s ugly AF and when we are slowly dying inside.
This form of death is a killer to it all.
We start to dim our voice.
We start to play a little smaller.
We start to hide this and that.
And then we start to lie better and bolder.
We create this whole damn fake life.
Our creativity stagnates.
Our wealth stagnates.
Our love to others stagnates.
Our love to self stagnates.
Our dreams are put on hold.
We then wonder why life is so hard.
How can we possibly find the ultimate connection to the universe and feel ignited by our life when we don’t dare to show who we REALLY are!
This man is a beautiful human being.
I love him dearly, and I truly feel that his heart is warm and means well.
But I can’t stay in touch with him.
As long as he keeps himself stagnated on such a deep and profound layer of his life, I agree to this vibration, too.
Our week’s meeting was beautiful, it was paradise on earth.
I got to experience what my future relationship with my man could look like.
The universe sent me into this experience with a conscious man, one whom is deeply connected to himself, to the world, to life’s beauty, to art and love and all things art, poetry, music, dance.
And this is true for my other lovers.
Yet the catch is, that he IS married and that for now, he is not available to me as my partner.
The catch is very important!!
And so I’m having to be truthful and honest here.
I got to experience the signature of a relationship I desire.
And I’m also having to take responsibility for my own actions as if my life depended on it, because it ACTUALLY does!
I can see how my mission, my business and my self-love depends on this, so my LIFE totally depends on this action.
Me severing this relationship fully is a call to trust in the universe that I CAN attract my soul partner in crime.
It is an act of faith.
It is a act of belief and deep love.
For myself and for my partner who is already on the way.
I get it, your family may never understand this.
This path of truth isn’t for everyone.
I hear you. It’s hard.
I hear all your flags and fears come up. All your excuses why you can’t and won’t.
Now, that’s out of the way.
So what do you choose now?
You see ultimately choosing this man for the illusion is ALSO pushing away all the ways that the universe may love you more, show you more, unveil more!
Yes you may cry. You may hurt. You may feel lost and sad.
But you won’t cry for as long as it will last if you remain in this self-sabotage pattern.
You may feel ok with that for a while.
The jungle will always call you back out.
If you have this wild beating in your being, you KNOW!
Here’s a prayer that you may want to use.
I choose to set myself free from this burden.
I choose to release a perfect picture so I may receive truth.
I choose life and creativity.
I choose standing fiercely in my truth.
I choose love, deep, divine, real and raw love.
I choose a partner who is a perfect match to me now.
I am open to miracles.
I am open to receive the life that my higher self desires for me.
I make space for my dream partner to step into my life now.
I am ready for you.
I am here, eagerly waiting to jump around your neck and kiss you passionately.
I am ready for us to travel the world together.
I am feeling your hand holding mine as we wander the roads of our beautiful planet.
I am so full of love for myself and for you and for the connection we share.
I am so ignited and moved by your amazing bold heart.
I love how you show me freedom in new ways.
I love how you bring us both back to love, over and over.
I can feel our spirit babies.
I can sense a glimpse of the life we are to walk together and create a bond that strengthens and grows over time.
I desire to honour you and worship you and feel honoured and worshipped by you in equal ways.
I can see us elevating everyday.
I can see us crying and releasing in each other’s arms.
I can feel this unabiding love grow strong and bold.
A gentle caress, a firm hold, a porous touch, a profound gaze.
Thank you for reading.