When the heart still hurts even after years….

So this past full moon has been really intense.
I thought I was all good (which often happens), but the full moon vibes sent me off into the abyss this time and I’m not sure I’ll come out or even want to come out anytime soon.

I met this lovely person a few days ago.
The vibe was playful.
Both Tauruses.
We danced till late into the night here in Hanoi.
It was so much fun I nearly passed out (may have been the heat and the lack of O2 and the laughing gas balloon excess that everyone was inhaling… thank you passive breathing…)

It was one of those encounters, where you know you’re both on a transition, about to leave to another country.
Traveller meetings and such.

Carpe Diem.
Enjoy the moment.

We ended up meeting again and did a bike ride with his friends.
It was so cool. I felt relaxed.
Yet after a day or so, I noticed that I just find it hard to just “be” and “hang”.
I love being in the moment, but I crave heartfelt connections fast.
When I don’t feel the all-encompassing desire for love in people, I either turn into the healer or I turn limp.
In this situation the second one kicked in.

I’m very mindful of whom I share my healing qualities with.
As you should, because 1st of all, nobody needs fixing.
Second, I also need time off to rejuvenate, so I can give my all to my beautiful Goddesses and wonderful clients when they need me.
Plus, I have no desire to fall back into the patterns of co-dependency and rescue everyone.
I can sit with the pain.

Well, it turns out that my initial reluctance vibe was on point with this soul.
I had sensed a slight “off-note” and disconnection (you know the denial patterns that leads people into telling jokes to forget about their pain).

Right on, Lisy!
Here we go….

So I noticed that I don’t vibe with sarcasm-bonding.
It’s not my cup of tea.
To me, most of the time when people do sarcasm-bonding in friendships, they either don’t dare to say the terrible truth or they’re seeking attention or whatever validation. Maybe because of boredom, or they can’t find a topic to talk about, or they’re simply uncomfortable with silence.
It doesn’t come from an empowered space for me and I have no desire to be weaving that kind of bonding.

When I was alone with him, I raised this and I admitted I find this difficult and just not fun.
Why would you mock another human being?

Maybe, I haven’t fully processed my own childhood trauma of mockery and mobbing?
What’s in there?

Well, it turns out that this guy has lived through a series of traumatic events from political conflicts in his country.
He said that since that time, he carries a lot of anger.
And he also admitted that he desires to hold on to it, to target it when the “time is right”.
Against the people that caused this pain to him.

Revenge, huh….

It’s like he can’t find joy or love anymore, so this is the only way he can laugh.

Hmmm, as much as I understand this, I can also see through the BS:
the person suffering the most from holding on to this is clearly himself.
I felt a lot of compassion.
And I also saw anew, how naive and blind I can be when it comes to understanding humans.
In my mind, I still believe and desire to believe that we are made of love and that we desire to be in that pure state.
hmmm…. well, no….
It’s a tough world out there sometimes. People DO go through A LOT of suffering and unconscious coping mechanisms to just get by.
We are socially not very educated on emotions and how to deal with emotions, at all.
Then, add some cultural or gender related role play and the sauce turns dirty pretty fast.

And I also understand:
it takes A LOT OF COURAGE to stand our ground in our emotions…
especially when they go wild and crazy. It’s not easy! Admitted.

Soon after that I got sent into my own turmoil. Unexpectedly.
And it hit me hard!!!
OMG!!!

He started to accuse me to mess up his evening for pointing out my stance on sarcasm. That I was making him feel bad.

(huh, how was I responsible?)

That me, pretending to be such a beautiful person, seeing love in every situation, was not really walking my talk by bringing up all this negativity.

(hot damn…?!)

Especially on his birthday, and especially after inviting me to hang out with his friends and him kissing me on the first night, which is not something he really does.

(ah… entitlement going on?)

And then he was feeling confused about me demanding more explanations on his intentions.
He doesn’t usually make love to girls, he only hangs out with them, but there is no sex because to him it’s not “about fucking” like all men do

(generalisations….)

and also he is not sure that making love to a lot of people is a good thing etc etc)

(clear divergence in our points of view here!)

 

Hmmmm….
ok….
so beside the fact that I intend to be open with all my encounters and explain that at this point I have 2 main lovers I connect with deeply and they both know about each other and my encounters, I truly care about your intention…
re: my blogpost on dating a married man: – not doing that again, thank you!

It takes power to stand by my choices and not waver.
It takes a lot to discuss these topics openly because, truly I may or may not desire to be entangling with a person according to their stance, too.
After all, there’s 2 to tango and in my view, interacting with him means that I’m mindful that he has a different opinion on this exact topic, so I have to bring it up, for integrity purposes!
And yes…. most people just avoid it.

It hit me hard to receive all these words.
I see, that I’m hurting so much from my ex-relationship.
So much so that my body was trembling and my whole being just wanted to get away as fast as possible!
Everything started to well up inside me:
memories of fights, frustration, feeling misunderstood, seeing him as a predator that I need to escape from, helplessness, confusion.
It was a whole rollercoaster of bodily sensations.
Heart racing. A knot tensing in my throat. Shallow breathing. Shaky legs.
Blood rushing. Numbness. Rage and fury building in my belly and arms.
ALL OF IT!

Alright…. let’s just keep walking.
No I want to call a taxi to take me back to my hostel now.
No, that’s crazy. Ok. I’m pissed.
Why on earth are we even here now?
Argh… it’s flipping raining too now.
He won’t get it. He’ll never understand.
I’m just to complicated.
Wait, why is he not getting it?
Wait, why am I feeling this way?
I hate feeling like this.
This hasn’t been around for a long time.

When you enter the ring of pain, it’s never pretty.
It took me a good while to come to calm, but I cracked right through it.

I asked myself, what do I need, right now?
Physical distance. Silence. Movement. Processing time.

Where in my body am I feeling this?
I started to name the body parts in my head…

What am I feeling/thinking this situation is?
Danger, Get away, move on, forget about him.

When he wanted to just touch my hand I pulled away, and he wanted physical closeness, I snapped:

NO!

Please don’t touch me!
I don’t want to just forget about it. This is important!
As much as you feel that I’m not responding in the ways you were expecting or that I’m crazy, this topic is very important.
And right now I feel like busting off, running away and crossing you off my map.
Me still standing here and talking to you calmly is my way of showing strength and respect.
You don’t know what this gesture means to me, because we have never talked about it, but right now I need to you to respect my need for physical distance until I feel safe again.
Right now I don’t feel safe!

Then I zoomed out and realised:

HOLY SHIZZLE!!!!
This pain is not even about him, it’s still in me from my past relationship.
I’m hurting.
All the pain I used to feel back then, when my ex would hold my wrists to “bring me to my rational senses” rushed right back into my body.
I realised that I was hurting and pushing away my anger in a weird kind of way.
He was suppressing it in his own way and it came out like that: accusations.
For me it was the need for righteousness and making my point be understood.

 

Of course, deep down we both desired to feel loved and accepted.
I had probably hurt him too.
Even if he has not processed his anger, it doesn’t remove his right to be loved and supported.

I’m glad I could turn this around in the moment and use all the tools I’ve learnt in the past few years.
Yet, I also understand that there is soooooo much hurt and pain that still needs processing.

And that IS a matter of time, and I cannot ignore it.
I just need to allow it to surface, slowly and patiently.

Despite, that I’m not sure if he even understood half of the story, it eased out somehow.
We were able to hold each other again afterwards and there was sensual energy circulating between us. Mutual understanding.
However, I also feel that it is important for me to be in a space with a partner who has done or is willing to process with me.
Otherwise I fall back into the rescuer or healer, or worse the co-dependency patterns where each chase our own tail.

I have the right to choose a partner who is in alignment with my heart.
I have the right to choose and re-affirm to the universe that I desire a lover who radiates love into the world and takes responsibility for his part, too.
Especially when we are facing hurts and pains together.

Sometimes I’m weak. I cry. I’m scared. I’m wild. I’m in need of support.
And sometimes I can also hold space for these in my lover.
There needs to be a balance in these roles.

Clearly, the balance was created out of my own doing and we both experienced a sensation-shift.
I truly longed to be held and kissed again afterwards.
And he felt the exact same way.

Even though we might not see each other again, I feel like I lifted some of the burden and veil over this dusty part in me.

There’s a depressed, angry and frustrated Lisy inside me somewhere.

She’s waiting to be received in her pain, to be held in her tears, to be understood and nurtured and told that it’s ok.
She’s allowed to come out, and say or express what she needs.
She’s still loved.

The one she probably needs the most love from is myself.
She needs gentleness.
She needs caring words.
She needs time.
She needs to be seen.

For now, she also needs me to protect her from people who aren’t able to see her that way.
From those trying to put pretty flowers on her for the “right picture” when all she wants to do is yell and scream and release.

She’s got the right to feel this way.
She’s got the right to take as much time as she needs to tell and re-tell all the wrong-doings.

Thank you for reading.
Much love to you, ferocious being! xo

 

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